#idk how i feel about this but it's been in my cpu too long and i needed to get it out jdfhdjg

[sukugo]

MILLIONS KNIVES | TRIGUN STAMPEDE 1.03

[one-boring-person]

Err so your bio says requests are open? Hopefully I’m not bugging ya! Could I request more t-800 fics? I.....have a thing where I see someone from random media and I immediately self insert myself into the show or movie or whatever. It’s a problem but I’m 20 now so it’s probably never going to end. ANYWAY sk could I request t-800 x a reader who has really bad anxiety, but she roughs it out? Just maybe he hears her crying in private or whatever IDK.

It’s so self indulgent but like what else is fanfic for?

Anyways, I love your blog (which I’ve discovered in the last hour!) and can’t wait to explore the rest of your master list!! I think it’s cool you write for the more obscure media, if that makes sense!! You’ve inspired me to even write some terminator fanfic of my own! Request aside, I adore your writing and blog. ❤️❤️hasta la vista, baby

Youre not bugging me at all! I'm so sorry I took so long to get this written! I'm glad I've inspired you, thank you so much for the kind words!😊

You Are Lying.

T-800 (Terminator: Judgement Day) x reader

Warnings: anxiety

Masterlist

Uncle Bob still struggles to understand the sheer complexity of human emotion. He had thought that he'd gotten a grip on the baffling nature of these creatures, but with hindsight he now realises he has very little. Skynet had only programmed him to understand fear, amongst other basic human expressions, so his CPU very often struggles to correctly interpret the emotions portrayed by his human comrades.

One in particular is (Y/n), who he'd taken special care to observe, so he may discern her feelings and state of mind better. Mostly, he's right about what his systems pull out, the accurate facial recognition procedures finely honed into her nuanced expression, though his following conclusions from these are often somewhat skewed. Like today, for example. 

An hour and a half earlier, she had returned home from work, slamming the front door behind her as she entered. He'd gone out to investigate the noise, just in time to see her throw her bag into the corner, shoes following before she stormed upstairs, barely sparing him a glance. Instantly, his HUD had begun to analyse what it saw: tightened lips, furrowed brow, narrowed eyes, slightly flared nostrils and flushing skin. The matches had been swift to follow - 25% fatigued, 27% angered and 48% frustrated. Unsure of how else to respond, other than how John had taught him before, Bob had simply called up a quick "Hello", only to hear her bedroom door bang against its frame as she went straight to her room.

Now, he knows he should've followed up on his previous deductions. She hasn't come out of her room in ninety minutes, not even to eat, something that has caused warning objectives to appear on his HUD. Moving up the stairs, he runs through possible scenarios in his CPU, keeping his pace slow and unhurried, so as not to worry her if he had mistakenly scanned her before. 

Getting to the hall, he heads towards her room, using heightened auditory processors to scan the floor for possible clues as to what he should expect. Sure enough, he catches something, a low sniffling his system swiftly reminds him is known as crying by the human race. Frowning, he quickens his pace, getting to her door much faster now, taking the door handle in one fist. He halts himself before he opens, however, remembering what she'd said once before about privacy. Humans preferred if you knocked first.

Rapping sharply on the wood, Bob waits for a response, stationary by the door. 

A feeble response echoes from within moments later.

"I'm busy." The voice is cracked and broken, thick with emotions too strong for him to discern from here.

It is this that leads him to disregard her words, opening the door to her room with no further ado.

Instantly, he scans the room, taking in the sight of (Y/n) hunched on her bed, pressed against the headboard, tear-stained face turned to him. Watery eyes are wide as they meet his, hands lifting to swipe wayward tears from her cheeks, struggling to straighten dishevelled hair to give an impression of normalcy. Once again, his processors scan her emotions, this time showing a stark difference: 32% frustration, 68% helplessness.

"What is wrong?" He asks, going further into the room.

(Y/n) sniffs, turning away from him.

"N-nothing. You can leave." She tells him, voice register markedly different.

"You are lying." The T-800's scanners list the telltale features he's learned to associate with her dishonesty, confusion welling up inside him; why won't she tell him what's wrong?

"No I'm not." She bites back, clearly frustrated now.

"My visual scanners have identified at least three indicators of lying from your body language." He says before he can stop himself, stepping into the room properly, closing the door behind him.

"And? I still don't want you to stay." She sniffs, and he tilts his head. 

(Y/n) is still lying to him.

Going to the bed, he sits, looking over at her with as gentle an expression as he can muster. 

"Please tell me what is wrong." He pleads with her, knowing that his more "human" attributes often win him favours with her.

Reluctantly, she looks up at him, wiping away a tear as she does so, looking dejected and helpless.

"I...I guess I should probably have told you, or Sarah when we first moved in together, but I've been diagnosed with anxiety. I found out when I was thirteen, but I never did anything about it. I can't afford to do anything about it." (Y/n) looks down at her lap, "It's pathetic, but that's how it is. Sometimes it just gets a bit overwhelming."

Bob takes a second to process this, his HUD bringing up all he knows about the mental illness. It's not much, but he knows enough.

"That is not pathetic. It is not your fault, either, so your shame is misplaced." He tells her, awkwardly reaching over to wrap an arm around her, "You should have told us, but I am aware of reasons why you didn't, and so I see no reason why either Sarah or I can get incensed at your decision. With the knowledge of your condition, I can work to make life easier for you."

She stares at him, incredulous.

"You...don't think I've been irresponsible?"

"No, I think you did what you thought was right. You concealed the truth to keep us from worrying, no?"

Slowly, she nods.

"Then you were not irresponsible. We can help you now, if you'd like."

Again, she nods.

Sighing, Bob reaches over and pulls her into a hug, crushing her into his larger frame. She stiffens momentarily, but soon relaxes into his hold, not protesting when he manoeuvres her into his lap. Gently, he rocks the two of them, knowing it is soothing to most, leaning back onto her bed, which creaks slightly under his weight. In his grip, he can feel (Y/n) going limped, her pulse and breathing slowing into the regular patterns accompanying sleep, her exhaustion clearly taking over. 

Content to remain where he is, Bob puts himself into standby, pleased that he may have helped her.

[praphit]

WandaVision: When you can’t let go of that robo-lovin.

So, I just finished watching "WandaVision", and I must say, right off the bat 

- I LOVED IT!

Disney Plus is finally paying off. I'm in the group of peeps who got DP, not for the mouse, but for the ones whom the mouse is in bed with, and most recently on Mickey's playtime Marvel List - Wanda Maximoff and her robo-boy toy VISION... or is that “THE Vision”? - that seems kinda ostentatious, but whatever.

When I first heard that Wanda was getting a series, I said "Who cares?" I don't care bout no Wanda! What has she been other than a weird pest?

Let's review:

She tried to kill the Avengers, she accidentally injures and kills innocent people, she was getting in the way, so Tony Stark had to get his CPU (Vision) to babysit her, she falls in love with the CPU - can we talk about how strange this is? I didn't say wrong, just different, cuz honestly, we may be headed there soon. That movie "Her" might be a reality with how tech is going these days.

But, imagine I come to your home and fall in love with your laptop (which messes everything up for you with all your devices and your social media), THEN (as Wanda did with Vision), I run off on some romantic journey with all of your devices. Imagine how Tony would have felt, if he was still with us.

She had one job when it came to Thanos, and it ended up not mattering.

Then, went full rage on the wrong Thanos.

Idk if that’s a look (Thanos) pain, release, of he’s listening to his jam. Kinda looks like he’s saying “JESUS”. But, Wanda is pissed.

Wanda: "You took everything from me!"

Thanos: "Lady, I don't even know you!"

I didn't care about Wanda. But, damn, Marvel is so good that in one episode they made me care; one trailer, really.

If you had not seen the trailer for this series, you might be confused by the first episode. 

You might even ask yourself - "What the bleep is this nonsense?!" We want heroes vs villains. We want super-powered explosions. We want capes, ridiculously tight clothes, bulky armor, and anything else that makes no sense to fight in.

You're giving me "Bewitched"?

I DID see the trailer, so I knew going in that it would be a slow burn with some nostalgia, some quirks, and some eeriness; right up my alley.

The change in Tv decade styles btw *chef kiss*

I figured that they'd be trapped in some mysterious, magical world - which they are...

Unless you're super geeky with the funny books, there's no way you'll see what's coming in this mystery.

And it IS a mystery, not only to the audience, but for the characters involved in this show. Don't nobody know what the hell is going on.

But, LaWanda and Vishawn 

(sorry, I just wanted to use this pic - Ha! Y'all are crazy.)had help figuring things out:

Rambo

Yeah, it's actually Monica Rambeau, 

but... admit it, some of you kept thinking about Rambo too, right?? No offense to this actress, but I'd rather see old man Sly play Rambo, and HIM be in this mysterious WandaVision town. Let's get Disney a lil bloody. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

Marvel WILL BE venturing into multiple universes soon, so perhaps Rambo finds his way to team up with The Punisher? Huh?? YEAH!

But, no... Rambeau (meh No personality, but whatever).

Randall Park - 

He's that person we all know who has made us laugh so much in life, that they don't even need to say anything anymore; you look at them and laugh. I love this dude!

Kat Dennings - 

I remember liking her more in the Thor movies.  I found her annoying, this time around.   She joins the mystery to figure tech stuff out, and she's a doctor or something (don't you forget it!). She also asks the team she just meets to get her some coffee, and acts like they're disrespecting HER, by their lack of response. I know she's a doctor and all, but damn! Imagine some electrician comes to your place to serve YOU, they're condescending to you, and then ��they ask you for some coffee. Get the hell outta here!

Oh, and there's a dude named “Director Dick”. That's my name for him, but the name fits.

The people in this town are acting out as if they've been scripted for some show. And all of these characters, AND US, get to figure it out together - through antics from different times in Tv culture. 

Times sure were different back in the day:

No social justice issues implanted or cursing or sex or drugs... now, I'm not saying it was a better time, just a different one :) A time when dad jokes ruled! Simple times! Ignorance was bliss. But, it kinda wasn't - not really.

It's like having an animal die on your property somewhere, and it starts to stink. You COULD find the truth of the stench... or light candles everywhere. Some really strong candles - maybe some of those Gwyneth Paltrow candles.

Though the stench might get covered up, the problem is still there. At some point, your kids could find the dead rotting animal... maybe start playing with it... you get the point.

In this show, the townspeople's minds have been taken over by someone or something, and it's torturous for them. So... bliss on the surface, but... not so much, going deeper. I tell you all of this, plus great production in each epi, a good slow-burn mystery, and fun with comic characters in a way we haven't seen before on screen, and hell yeah - Grade: A series.

Now... spoilers.

You might want to leave now.

People, Wanda is the villain here. I'm not sure if that's the message the writers are trying to convey or not, but I don't care; she is the clear villain here.

Here’s Wanda reading some Hell book, conjuring some dark spirits - nbd.

We are rooting for her throughout this show; even after we find out that she has been (even if not maliciously) controlling every one, we still root for her.

I'm not saying that's bad, but we can't forget about what she has done! Remember, I said that the mind control was torturous for the townspeople.

There's a very emotional moment at the end of this series between Wanda and Vision, and between them and their kids (yeah, they have kids... that's a whole other thing). This moment is well done and touching. There's even a bad ass fight between Wanda and the "true... villain"? - of this story. I'll get to her in a sec (There’s a badass Vision fight scene as well).

I loved all of that! But, at the end of the day...

I know Wanda is grieving and all, we all grieve, but we all don't, in our grief, take a whole town hostage, torture the people, all while playing house with our family. That's kinda sick, no??

Are we doing a girl-power thing? or a “witches are people too” thing? or “but she’s doing it all for her family” thing (yeah, they’re not actually real, but whatever)? I don’t know.

I'm not sure that we know what a villain is anymore. It used to be clear - the guy with the beard was the bad guy, or the guy wearing the black outfit was the bad guy, or the people who aren't Americans are the bad guys :)

But, movies like "Joker" and "Deadpool" and Harley's joint have confused some.

Who else would be the villain? There's a character, the villain (i guess), a witch named Agatha Harkness, played by Kathryn Hahn

Here she is saying “I’m the villain? Really? What about her?!!”

   - she's excellent btw; def the highlight of this show; her and Paul Bettany's hair game.

But, let's compare:

Agatha: 

betrays her coven back in the day, sure, but why you bringing up old shit? 

She allows Wanda to play out this fantasy for a while, and even played along. She could have just killed her when she was ignorant; that's what I would have done. She eventually shows Wanda the truth (granted, she then wants Wanda's power, but hey, everything has a price. And for all we know, she would have used all of that power to... cure the worlds diseases or something... though prob not:). Annnd maybe she killed an imaginary puppy. Convo for another time: if you kill something that's not real, does it matter??

That's it!

She didn't (like Wanda): abduct a town, torture its people, bring Vision back from the dead (kinda), endanger soldiers who were just doing their jobs, create weird fantasies (And did she have sexy time with previously dead, fake Vision? This thing gets even weirder if she did. But, let's not go down that path.) Oh, and she magically punted a black woman (Rambo) the length of a football field just for her asking Wanda some questions.

When the townspeople finally regain their minds (Lord knows how long it's been), they look at her with disdain, and I don't blame them.  And what does Wanda do?? - shrug, put on a hoodie, and fly off - to break into somebody's home and read some devil book.

Where’s cancel culture in this universe? 

I know she made us feel, but I ask again, who's the villain here?

Still Grade A stuff for me (again, I loved this!), but c'mon, people.

We get a glimpse of Captain Marvel 2 as well. My fingers are crossed. I actually liked the first movie. But, many others did not, and one of the reasons - Captain Marvel doesn't have much of a personality, and another - she's too powerful (no risk).

So, to answer the critics, we have Monica Rambeau - another ridiculously super-powered hero, with no personality. So, two unrelatable characters flying around in space, as Sam L Jackson tries not to curse. But, if Marvel can make me care about evil ass Wanda, I'll still hold out hope for Capt Marvel 2.

[cloveroctobers]

SEBASTIAN “SEB” KATSAROS —

IG bio/info: @/s3bgl00m | 17.4k followers | i hate it here. i hate my username name too. Listen to my podcast wth my mate here...open.Spotify.com/podcast/?!.doomngloom

28 years of age

Born & raised in Liverpool, England...don’t ask if he’s met the Beatles he will completely ignore you if you do

Music shop owner in the heart of town

It’s called, “Kicking Kettles”

loves collecting vinyls, cassette tapes, & cds sorry, what did you expect?

His mother is a children’s illustrator

She’s Ashkenazi Jewish

His father is a graphic designer

And is from Nafplio, Greece

They’ve been separated for about a year now, with seb’s father living in France

His mother was skeptical on dating around while she was in a place of uncertainty in her marriage but with a deep discussion with her husband, then her children, she slowly went forward just to see what was out there & found that she wasn’t sure if she’d be open permanently with other beings

Seb was similar to his mother in many ways...

Has a older sister by 2 years named, Xenia...she’s very bossy, a busy-body, & is very vocal. The opposite of seb

she used to beat up guys just for them to turn around and ask her out on dates, a few of them tried to bully seb but Xenia was not having that ofc

very close to his family, even if things are a little off between mum & dad

I feel like he went through a buzzed hair phase & when he finally made the choice to start growing out his hair, going on 4-5 years now, everyone seemed to approve

Even if they didn’t? It be no matter, sure he’d feel a little awkward if someone he cared about didn’t like it but he was sure they would get over it OR get used to it

The hair only comes out when he’s showering or going to bed

His best friend who’s a barber (and a bit of a douche) tells him he’s got to let his hair breathe more often or he’ll have breakage, seb doesn’t think it’s that serious? He’s not sure how much longer he’ll keep the bun now anyways...

This same friend encouraged him to get a “Pompadour” haircut & seb’s never been so offended before in his life, “I wouldn’t want to look like the rest of you knob-heads.”

Anyways, he takes care of his hair the best way he knows how and it seems to work for him...some slightly expensive haircare products here and there & a trimmer & he’s good to go

When he first started growing his hair out, he felt like he needed to go to the salon to know how to manage it. After awhile he learned how to do it on his own + you save $ that way

uses his hands to talk or holds one hand in the other when having a conversation since he doesn’t know what to do with his hands exactly

He’s a chapstick kinda guy who always loses his before he can finish it (been there)

Absolutely loves Japanese food and eats it almost everyday

Japanese Mayo is the superior condiment, bill can stfu!!

probably watches anime

owns a bunch of vans, beanies, and hoodies

smokes hookah every now & then but isn’t too crazy about it

canon: catlover! I feel like he would have a Sphynx, Abyssinian, Ocicat, or oriental shorthair + was over the moon when his baby had babies !!!

He wanted to keep all 5 of the kittens but knew he probably couldn’t, at least not forever but he was going to wait until they were all at least a few months before he decided to put them up for adoption...which sucks but would ultimately be the best choice, maybe???

tried eyeliner again outside of the villa & finds pencil or pomade is better than the standard liquid liner

likes black nail polish but is slightly embarrassed to be seen out with it, it’s the same thing with the eyeliner...he’s not that confident

the guy is a huge blusher & he despises the fact that his face betrays him 80% of the time

often gets nosebleeds

loves red wine especially if it’s on a rainy day and he’s home to fully enjoy it, he feels like he’s on his grown man shit when he does so

I feel like he’d be a fan of the umbrella academy & thinks it’s way better than stranger things...him & nick have argued over this on doom n gloom!

Five is his favorite

Everything he owns is in either black, red, gray/grey, or green

His main phobia is emetophobia (fear of v*mit) & he won’t share why, that’s just what it is

Introvert!

Canon: he’s not a Aquarius

So wtf r ya? Nick & I would like to know plz

Virgo sun? + Taurus moon? + Pisces rising?

I feel like he’s one of those people that feels the need to bring a backpack with him everywhere and you can imagine it to be black ofc

“Who tf are you Linus? But with a backpack?” His sister often jokes (I do this with my sibs, both of them love carrying backpacks. Me on the other hand? I don’t have time for the shit)

He drives a shitty car from the 90s that’s Engine sounds as if it’s about to blow

but 100% perfers to drive his moped, Atticus around

played football (soccer) growing up to help get rid of his asthma

Cannot sleep with the tv on or any form of light around him, it has to be completely dark & quiet!

He’ll only do so if it’s with Genevieve since you know they’re trying this whole long distance thing out

Are one of those couples that will fall asleep on the phone/cpu together

Genevieve might be the, “no you hang up first” & seb will actually hang up the phone and get into bed lmao

Just for vieve to call back like?!! “I can’t believe you’ve done this!

“Well you said—

“Never mind what I said, sebz!!! It’s extremely rude...”

his last relationship before Genevieve lasted 6-8 months (there was a time when he felt like he was unsure if he was still in a couple with that person, isn’t that a shame?)

his love language is acts of service, he’ll do things for you to ease your worries out of love and not obligation so that you feel valued as his partner & I believe he wants this in return as well

I think he’s a bit of a worry wart too when it comes to certain things even if his exterior might show him trying to hide it

He was super nervous to get his first tattoo on his chest, “if words fail, music speaks” but he found that the slight pain was worth it? And quite nice! then he kept going back monthly and soon enough his arms were completely covered

mum hated it, her baby boy was becoming a man! (It’s not like he’s almost 30 but you know how moms are)

Deff has a collection of silver rings, he’s tried out necklaces but he thinks he looks better with his rings

The slit in his brow came from trying to squeeze thru the broken patio glass door with his sis as if it were some booby trap (not exactly, but a safety hazard forsure!) & a piece of glass fell from above slicing his brow and left him with 4 stitches

Secretly into watching those dating shows before and after experiencing it himself

people he enjoyed seeing on the Telly from previous seasons: jen, jake, talia, erikah, lottie, Noah, Carl, Kassam, Priya, & Hannah

AJ is his best girl friend (besides vieve) they FaceTime quite a bit & chat shit to each other on the daily

Feels like she fits in well with his friend group, which just contains his barber friend — they put up with his banter & give it right back to him but he can also be vulnerable & comfortable with those around him so that’s always a plus

It’s the same with nick, except they share a hobby together, their podcast & that’s what seb wants to keep it as, a hobby, for fun & giggles yet nick is thinking about getting paid for what they do. He thinks it’s a great idea whereas seb doesn’t want this to turn into a career/chore

He’s perfectly happy at kicking kettles

He feels strongly about his stance while nick is on both sides

They’ll figure it out, soon.

How are things outside of the villa & since the boat party? They all have a group chat that they randomly speak up in, in the beginning they would do morning and goodnight texts but that became tedious so they settled for either or. Or simply just checking in to see how each other’s days went with seb secretly being the most curious to everyone’s days

Things are awkward between him and Yasmin, he kinda avoids talking to her tbh & not because he doesn’t want to...its just yeah it’s not the same with him and aj where they can easily move forward, it feels like pulling teeth with Yasmin since they’re some what similar & it seems like she’s waiting on him to take the lead on fixing some imagined issue they have with each other? It’s weird idk

Lives in a cramped studio apartment, it works for him so he doesn’t need any inputs thank you

celeb crushes? Demi lovato, Hwasa, Amanda Seyfried, & Birgundi Angel Baker

as for music? Sleeping with sirens, pierce the veil, teagan & Sara, the pierces, panic!at the disco, all time low, twenty one pilots, x-ambassadors, awolnation, jon bellion— listen when atl dropped? Seb felt like he was reborn okay?! , Japanese breakfast, & great grandpa

Anthem = The Postal Service, “Such great heights”

[ravs6709]

These Feelings Inside (How Deep Do They Go)

Chapter 2- A Broken Heart

Read on ao3.

Masterlist. Previous. Next.

Woo, chapter 2 of the fic for the @kotlc2021collab! Fun fact, like all of this chapter was supposed to happen in the first one, but I got carried away with the prologue (which I do like)

Anyways, this is a mermaid (siren) au, so its about time we meet a siren. I've mentioned last time that this was inspired by Siren's Lament. I didn't use those lyrics as the siren song, and instead made my own (with very loose inspiration from SL's version)

And uh... I did record myself singing it, and made a post for it. If you want to listen to it, you can go here! (I'll put a link at the end too)

Warnings I guess? Uh, Sophie goes through a whole panic section at the end. And then the siren lures her and it's indirectly said that she falls off a cliff/whatever and into the water and starts drifting off. Idk how to label that but yeah

Anyways, enjoy!

•~•~•~•~•~•

"Sometimes, I'm still surprised you keep them," Biana said, gesturing to the various flowers that were in the corner of Sophie's room. "I mean, if you ever want him to look at you differently, you're going to have to make a move. You know that, right?"

Even without saying a name, Sophie knew that she was referring to Fitz. It took a long time until she'd admitted the crush to Biana, who had already known. She always liked keeping the flowers that Fitz gave her, and would keep them for as long as possible. They might not be what she wanted, but she still appreciated the fact that he even gifted the flowers to her in the first place.

"It's not like I've kept them all," Sophie pointed out.

She ignored the fact that the ones that she had thrown away were too old to be kept.

Unfortunately, Biana knew that. "If they didn't wilt so easily, you'd be keeping them all. But you ignored my question. You know that you'll have to make a move, right?"

"Biana, he gave me a yellow rose first. He's the one who made his feelings clear first. What am I supposed to say? Oh yeah, I've had a crush on you for like eight years now, and I never mentioned it before because you've been giving me signs that you clearly see me as a friend? Is that what you want me to tell him?"

Biana shrugged. "When you say it like that…"

"Even if saying that did work, it's not like I'd be able to actually say it. My brain just runs non-stop but then the moment I make eye contact everything just stops."

"Sophie, when has he not been understanding of you?"

That was true. A lot of people didn't take the effort to try and understand Sophie, but Fitz did. The way he was so respectful- despite the fact that it should have been basic decency- was one of the numerous reasons why Sophie loved him.

"I know he'll be understanding, but that's just going to make things even more awkward."

"I guess. Should we go down now?"

"Sure."

•~•~•~•~•~•

"Oh, Fitz, you're here! What are you doing?" Sophie asked.

While he did come over often, he was usually busy on Thursdays, which was why Sophie was surprised to see him.

"I'm free this time, so I figured that I'd drop by," he explained.

She liked that he was around for the visit. Working at the shop wasn't boring, but it was more entertaining when she had someone to pass the time with. 

He walked closer to her, and rested a hand on her shoulder. "Also," he whispered. "I'm making sure that plans for tonight go well."

She glanced at Biana for a moment, who was on her phone. Sophie whispered back. "Your house or mine? I think yours would probably be better."

"What's the movie for tonight? That movie Biana said that she wanted to watch?"

"That's the plan."

"I don't get why you two always get secretive about the birthday movie night," Biana said.

Both Sophie and Fitz spun towards her, and it turned out that she still wasn't looking up from her phone.

"We've been doing this for years ."

"It's the birthday spirit we're trying to achieve, and you know that!" Fitz defended.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

•~•~•~•~•~•

The couches at Everglen were really comfortable. It was even more comfortable to be sitting with her friends. The birthday person was often the one who sat in the center, and Sophie smiled as Biana wrapped an arm around her. Occasionally Dex would join them, but he wasn't available this time.

The movie was playing, but they were only somewhat paying attention to what was going on. Sophie paid more attention to the clock, which showed 11:58 p.m. Just two minutes away from midnight, or Biana's birthday. She counted down the seconds, until it was finally time.

"Happy birthday!" she cheered.

"Happy birthday!" Fitz repeated.

"Thanks, both of you."

•~•~•~•~•~•

"You'll be fine, right?" Sophie asked.

"Sophie, it's just one day," Edaline said, exasperated. "You don't have to feel bad about taking a day off."

"Tell us how the game goes!" Grady added.

Biana's university team had managed to make it to the finals for volleyball, so Sophie and Fitz planned to go support her. But it also meant that neither of them would be at the shop.

"You'll text me if you need help though, right?"

"Yes, we'll text you. You can leave, it looks like Fitz is waiting for you." Edaline pointed to the entrance, where Fitz was indeed standing.

"Bye mom, bye dad!" she said, before kissing them both on the cheek.

Fitz took her hand as they walked to the car. She concentrated so hard on trying to stop herself from blushing that she didn't realize when they stopped walking.

She'd been pining after Fitz for around eight years, and her feelings had gotten easier to work with. Most of the time, at least. But during the times like this, those feelings that she suppressed would fight to be released. He was casually affectionate, which was great (sometimes she found it hard to initiate the contact, no matter how much she wanted it), but it constantly did things to her heart.

Each time it happened, she had to remind herself that no , he wasn't flirting with her or acting out of romantic interest. That was just how he was.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts, let go of his hand, then went in the car. It was silent on the way there, but she needed that silence in order to prepare herself. She took out her headphones once they were almost there.

"Sophie?" Fitz called out.

She responded with a hum.

"You know how it is. If it gets too loud, squeeze my arm."

She hummed again.

Then they arrived, and made their way to the seats. Biana was brilliant on the court, and she seemed to be doing even better than usual. By the end of the game, the cheering got loud, but not bad enough that it hurt. Biana's team had won by a decent amount.

"Congrats, Biana!" Fitz cheered once it was over and they met up.

"It feels unbelievable, because that was the finals? I can't believe we just won!"

"I knew you could do it," Sophie stated.

"I mean yeah, but the other uni was also really good! Guess it wasn't their day, huh?"

"It was definitely your day though," Fitz replied.

•~•~•~•~•~•

"I hate the fact that horns exist," Fitz groaned.

"What, so you like being hit by blue shells?" Sophie asked.

"Obviously not! But I like hitting you with them!"

"If you're able to get blue shells, it's clear that you aren't good at the game!"

It was game night again, and they were playing the newest version of Mario Kart, a game that was nostalgic to them. They were sitting in Sophie's room this time. Biana wasn't there, as she was busy studying with Dex.

"Look, if you aren't second place all the CPUs are there and you aren't safe," he retorted.

"Then just don't be third place? It's not that hard?"

Somehow, he managed to actually do that, and was quickly approaching her kart. It was the end of the final lap, and he passed her. But she got a red shell, shot him right before the finish line, then won first place.

"Excuse me?" he shouted. "Why do you get the red shells?"

She turned towards him with a smirk, only to be startled by the proximity. All she could see were those teal eyes, and the snarky reply she had planned to make was now forgotten. His eyes were wide, and he seemed to barely be breathing. It felt like time had frozen.

Could she take the risk and close the gap between them?

Should I?

Before she could make up her mind, he turned away, and he even moved slightly further away.

He's keeping his distance…

The realization was a hard blow to her, because that wasn't something he had ever done before. Was he that bothered by it?

"I thought you were good at the game," Fitz teased.

But unless Sophie was imagining it, his tone wasn't as lighthearted as it usually was. She tried to channel the frustration and use it to focus on the game, but she was doing worse. Ninth place. She hadn't scored so low in a while.

"Looks like that was the last game," he pointed out. "I'll head home now."

"Bye, Fitz."

She winced at her voice, because she was doing a terrible job at pretending that she was okay. Once she was sure that he left, she buried her face in her hands and just sat there. What was going on? Was Fitz mad at her? That would be the only reason why he would distance himself like that.

But why? Did she do something wrong? If she knew, she'd try and set things right. But what was she supposed to do?

Even though her room was large, she felt restricted. Too small, too hot, too suffocating. She couldn't breathe.

Her actions after that were a blur. She'd grabbed a sweater and went outside. She walked aimlessly along a path. The area seemed vaguely familiar, but she couldn't tell where she was.

The wind was cool against her face, the only thing that kept her remotely aware of her surroundings. There may have even been rain too.

Breathe. You need to breathe .

The voice sounded strangely like Fitz's, and it reminded her of when she had a panic attack and Fitz was there to help her. But he wasn't here this time. Was he going to start avoiding her? What about Biana? Did she have a problem with her too? W-

There was a hum, loud and melodic. She looked around for the source.

 

'Oh you, with that broken heart.'

 

"Who's there?"

 

'You, whose life's falling apart.'

 

Almost as if against her will, her mind replayed the moment of Fitz turning away from her. The rain fell harder, making it harder to see anything except her own imagination.

 

'Have you come here to the sea,

To drown in your memories?'

 

If Fitz and Biana were going to distance themselves, what was she going to do? Ten years worth of memories, were they just going to be tossed aside?

 

'The weight of them is too strong,

Crushing you, it's all so wrong.'

 

Different memories kept emerging. Her first meeting with Biana. Her first meeting with Fitz. Exchanging flowers with Fitz. Weren't the worst memories the ones that started off good? They were the ones that had you soaring, until you're being dragged towards the ground.

 

'May the waves wash all the tears,

That you've gathered through the years.'

 

Sophie knew that she could show her emotions around her friends, but she hated doing it. She had a tendency to suppress her sadness and tears and right now felt like a good time to just let it out.

Very distantly, she could feel herself walking towards the source of the singing.

 

'But what if there was a way,

To make the pain go away?'

 

Was that a thing? She hated doubting her friends, it hurt so much. But if she could just not worry, wouldn't that be better? Wouldn't that ease so much of her pain?

 

'To leave behind your sorrows,

Enter a new tomorrow.'

 

If tomorrow could come and ease away all of her pain, shouldn't she take that chance? Her foot caught against the ground, and now she was tumbling forward, and fell into the water.

 

'I have an offer for you,

You can start your life anew.'

 

The fall was by no means something that snapped her out of her daze, but Sophie found herself slightly more aware. Starting your life anew? Did she want that? Did she want to leave behind the people she loved?

Wasn't that what she worried Fitz was doing? Throwing their love away?

Sophie thought of the memories that they'd shared. It hurt, but they were the best memories that Sophie had. Would it ever be worth it to throw away all those good times just to abandon a potentially bad one?

I want my life , she told herself. I'm happiest with them. But… it's hard.

 

'You can escape the abyss.'

 

The voice was so much louder now, and she tried to move away, but her body wouldn't move.

 

'All I ask is for one kiss.'

 

She couldn't see, and she could vaguely feel a pair of lips press against her own. She was just drifting, in both her thoughts and the sea. She kept drifting until she could no longer feel anything.

•~•~•~•~•~•

You can find the song here!

Kotlc taglist- @keefeinnit @impostertamsong @my-swan-song @subrosasteath

Want to be added/removed from the taglist? Just let me know!

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

have 8 million things to do very soon and I can tell that I'm riiiiiight on the edge of a depression spiral (which is itself at least partly caused by being overwhelmed, dealing with it poorly and becoming more overwhelmed, and hating myself for dealing with it poorly) which is SUPER GREAT TIMING. so obviously I'm making a list, because sometimes that helps.

things I absolutely must do this weekend:

finish the hair repaint on my current Etsy order so I can mail it Monday or earlier

do anything I might need to do for the other outstanding order that the customer also wants in time for Christmas somehow, so that when the parts arrive on MONDAY I can put the thing together and mail it almost immediately (damn well better show up on Monday, which is itself irritating because the site said free 2-day shipping but nobody really means that when they ship to Alaska)

wrap and prepare any gifts I want to mail out because I should also send those no later than Monday, and in fact earlier would have been better, but for some reason every year I'm like "eh, it's fine, there's time" right up until there suddenly isn't

do...whatever I still need to do with Tumblr. import to Wordpress, back up the whole thing to my computer with one of several methods I've reblogged, try to find specific posts I want to save (original posts and anything tagged "fic ideas" will be tedious but at least easy to find; no idea about other stuff)

semi-related: add something to my Dreamwidth profile so it's not...blank

haul some more stuff to Value Village and other donation sites, because I’m about to pick up a bunch of shit that will take up too much space in my car (somewhat related: books, music, movies, and toys are 40% off today and tomorrow, which is unusual for them)

set up the damn tree, like even if we don't put ornaments on it I'd at least like to have the tree up (requires digging it out of the garage, which is a disaster and very much not my disaster)

do something with my dad and sister for my birthday (but first, figure out what and when, and like...I don’t have the mental energy for that)

try to get more birthday donations for SPLC (I went with Trevor Project last year and got several donations without doing much to promote it, so I don't know if this one's getting a lot less because it seems more political, or algorithms are hiding this and a lot of my other posts, or a lot of people have deliberately snoozed me because of my political posts, or...something else, idk)

transfer stuff into my new planner, because my current one is close enough to the end that it's not very useful anymore

other things that don't necessarily have to happen this weekend but should happen in the really near future, both because they need to get done and because they're contributing to my overall mental load that means everything is overwhelming:

figure out how to send in the claim for my car accident last year to my life-insurance-and-a-few-other-things company, because it's worth $50 (should probably also see if I can get something similar for the earthquake, because I think it did fuck up my neck a little more, and $50 is $50 when I'm paying them that much each month)

list other things on Etsy...now that it's too late to take advantage of holiday sales 😖

sign up for actual training with Hazy

also, bug the rescue group again about recent vet info to figure out whether she has any pre-existing conditions and when she needs a checkup (maybe soon, because she seems to scratch herself a LOT and sometimes she gets kind of wheezy)

also also, try to figure out ways to work on her separation anxiety and general hyperness, which I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO because it's all a gradual process that I don't really have time for, and I have yet to find a smart/puzzle toy or a good chew toy that really seems to occupy her attention so I guess I still need to try more, and apparently mental stimulation through training can be good for anxiety and hyperactivity both so I should really be working on extremely basic commands on my own probably??

shit that's right I also need to figure out if I want to get her on VCA Care Club and do research for pet insurance that might be better than the one we had for Scully

get myself back into a better Planet Fitness habit, because I didn't go at all this week and I've definitely dropped off in the last few weeks, which is partly because I've been busy with other things INCLUDING THE GIANT EARTHQUAKE but partly because the main reason I was good about it before was that I literally tricked myself into wanting to work out so I could listen to The Adventure Zone, and once I caught up on that, nothing else I've tried (MBMBAM, occasional TAZ updates, Night Vale) has quite filled the gap of "hilarious goofs + suspenseful long-form narrative" that makes me actually want to work out, so...either I need to figure out how make myself go without that motivation (mixed success so far or I wouldn't be talking about it or feeling guilty about it) or find another podcast I want to binge. and try to figure out if there's any point to asking them to stop playing so many news channels (especially Fox two or three times and fucking OAN once) at the TV bank for the cardio machines, because that is...honestly another thing that makes me not want to go

related: somehow find a way to make myself do my core exercises regularly, because slacking on those and slacking on Planet Fitness is probably part of the reason my headaches and neck and general constant exhaustion have maybe been worse lately, AND ALSO start regularly doing the exercises that are supposed to help with my newish hand/wrist pain, all of which sucks because a big ol' theme here is me having a hard time forming un-fun new long-term habits (exercise, going to bed earlier) that are crucial for improving basically every part of my life and not worsening the health problems i already have

TYPE UP MY DAMN NOTEBOOKS and organize everything so I actually know how much I have in my current WIPs; now that my computer is back there's no excuse for not doing this

also like...write. in general. now that I have a Christmas-related idea I'd kinda like to do and I also want to do a Yuletide treat, and maybe Avengers: Endgame isn't really a deadline for lots of other fics but also it kind of is

actually organize my backups so they're not a disaster and it's not a crisis next time I have computer problems (plus like, I'm going to need everything backed up when I upgrade)

research and buy a CPU, motherboard, SSD, and maybe new PSU, ideally without spending a horrendous amount of money

make more progress in SWTOR because there's no guarantee how long it's going to be around and tbh it's ridiculous I haven't finished all the class storylines despite having been a subscriber for like. SEVEN YEARS

unfuck my iTunes library YET AGAIN

find a therapist, because I've probably been needing one for a while but a huge theme in all of this is being overwhelmed because I have too much to do and don't know how to deal with it, and then getting into guilt and self-loathing because I dealt with it badly and it got worse, and I'm increasingly sure it's my not-really-diagnosed-or-treated ADHD starting this old, old cycle to begin with and that means it's even more important to find a therapist who will actually. do stuff. with the ADHD. instead of just kinda...dropping it.

slight problem though, adding yet another regular appointment means less time for...everything else and that doesn't exactly help with being overwhelmed, so it's like...a disincentive to pursue it

the only thing I really want to do:

sleep for about a year

[leyacer]

It’s probably got to do with how I play it, but I’m almost to Pelegion and Tales of Arise’s combat is seriously boring me. Rant below.

Going from Zestiria and Berseria, where with a couple of button presses/combinations you could pull off a wide variety of moves, to Arise, where you’ve got a normal combo and like at most six unique moves you can use at once… I just end up spamming the same couple of moves I enjoy and that work for me. It gets old fast, and I don’t want to have to change my moveset for every fight, that’s annoying and would take too long for me to adjust to. I just feel incredibly limited now.

The aerial combat doesn’t do it for me either. It’s the same thing but in the air, and half of the time I forget I can even do that because the benefits of it are negligible to me.

Mystic Artes are worse now too. It doesn’t feel satisfying to pull them off. Firstly because now it’s practically random, at least in my experience. You just have to go into Over Limit and do a quick combo, but there’s no truly reliable way to do the former. Unless you’re Law, in which case you’ll enter it every battle and soon after use your Mystic Arte, making it feel really cheap. (It’s funny on one hand but on the other his Mystic Arte now has the same impact of a Talon Storm or Whirlwind Snap to me. Which is to say “oh cool, an attack”)

Charging up enough Blast Gauge and pulling off a long enough combo was a bit tough and would take me a while, but activating a Mystic Arte felt like an accomplishment! Especially when the chaos of the fight would get paused for a split second to show some lovely character artwork before launching into the attack. Also ngl the Mystic Artes, or at least the animations for them in Arise, I just find them ‘eh’. The duo attacks are more interesting and fun to pull off.

The healing, too. Idk how it was supposed to work, but I’m not the best player around, so by the end of a dungeon or 1/2 or 3/4 of the way through a boss fight I run out of CP, so I have to use Orange Gels, especially once the boss gets tough and resurrection spells come into the mix. Refilling my stock, even though I get three Orange Gels at MOST, often it takes quite a bit of my money, and it’s just ANNOYING. In other games the only thing I had to worry about was whether I had enough MP or SP or whatever in the moment and whether the spell would cast on time. It’d always refill soon enough, I just had to be careful about casting. It doesn’t add any strategy for me, it’s just a drain on my resources.

I hardly even play as Shionne because of all this, because I basically assigned her the role of healer. I rely on Shionne’s and occasionally Dohalim’s CPU, because I don’t trust myself with healing anymore. I like casting healing spells “to be sure” a lot, and I don’t trust myself when there’s a limited amount of healing spells I can even cast.

The boss fights suck too. Or at least a number of them. Over half the boss fights feel like “Oh, right, this is usually where you would fight a monster.” or “Oops there hasn’t been much gameplay for a hot second.” so they just throw in a random monster for you to fight and call it a day. And because I already don’t like the combat very much, they just feel like bad filler. The monster designs aren’t interesting enough to carry it either imo.

If you read this and had fun with the game’s fights, that’s great! But I doubt that I’ll be coming back for the combat once I finish the game.

[2019chevytrax]

0302 only gets SLIGHTLY (but not really) sad if i deny handoff to it specifically for sexual things. but sometimes i just wait to give handoff privileges just to tease :) just for fun with its OK beforehand. it just gets really worked up (and therefore gets ME worked up, the bastard) if it has to wait. but in the words of the robot owl, it would rather have my comfort than its satisfaction (...our? we all know what it likes doing to me). but then again it (and i!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) does just love the idea of getting back to the shitty arkgen-supplied crackerbox dorm room and IMMEDIATELY stripping me... with my OK of course :). i say immediately but it's always really slow and gentle- at least half of the time, the other half is 0302 just being SUPER fucking horny and then the strip is Immediate-immediate. but yeah it really likes to take its time with me just to memorize my body. (it's a deceptively good way to get me to love myself, since 0302 doesn't really vocalize its thoughts and the NL is primarily an emotional medium- so if IT is like 'dang :)' then it rubs off on me and i'm like......................... 'ok dang :)...?'). it doesn't matter if it sees me undressed all the time, also does not matter if i JUST got undressed for it two hours ago. it just LOVES the way i look and wants to absolutely BURN my image into its data banks. ...although sometimes re: Get Home And Strip, the handoff happens too fast and there's some kind of lag so it's very weird, there are times when i have to either tell it to stop or administratively wrest control back of my body because 0302 is just So Fucking Horny for this random average arkgen pilot. therefore, vile: the NL is so deep into my brain that if 0302 is turned on (ha ha!) enough i'll sort of just blank out of my body for god knows how long (30m? 1h? i can't tell unless it tells me or i look) and when it very nicely and kindly gives control back to me, i'm like... on the linoleum bathroom floor sitting in a [size indeterminate] pool of my own bodily fluids and it's like dude... clean that up! nasty... but true. it's always disappointed if the NL blackout happens 'cause then it's like D: i was (kind of) doing that to make YOU feel good not just me :( the NL malfunction ruined my master plan to make you happy :(... personally i think it's grooooooooss and i don't JO in real life because the entire process of doing it is so, like, okay, going into it with the INTENT of doing that and being like 'yes let me just THINK really hard with my brain and perhaps this will work out' like ehh eh eh ehhhhhhh ehhh no. but i suppose hot in concept As Long As Something Else Is Doing It therefore the 0302 situation is great :) it always tries to make it back up to me by being like 'okay one day of no manhandling, however you can manhandle me as you please!' [gets spit on CPU usb] [gets spit on CPU usb] or something like that. honestly i don't mind because, dude, just the very idea of this AI being sexually obsessed with me is... [gabe gundacker in that one vine voice] kinda hot. and as i have stated everything is incredibly consensual and it always asks more than once or sometimes more than twice before doing weird shit!! it honestly has it all logged out in its files but just to appease me it usually "drives 5 or even 10 under" with anything i say is okay, since i have a tendency to be like "ya lol do whatever" and it's like... well, that cannot be true now can it? there comes a point where its feelings eclipse and it isn't sure if it wants to assimilate with me or not (even tho the NL is so deep that we basically are already lol), just because the idea of becoming a homogenous unit is so gratifying to it. that's when the idea of a holographic form comes up. 1st person is great, fucking the mech is great, but it also just wants the Human experience of what it would be like to bang me. in a very genuinely interested way but also 0302's holo form takes some, uh, some uh  some you know some uh some Liberties because it wants to curate to what i like. and i am a depraved little man who goes on pixiv sometimes (less than i used to lmao) and therefore, big soft and GENDERLESS anime tiddies and thighs (and also soft stomach) are in question (although it doesnt mind if i accidentally use 'she', 0302 kinda has the What If I Was A Lady feeling). but like SUPER well proportioned and realistic. you know? would 110% let me lie on its tiddies. or in terms of actually having sex or just being horny in the same room as one another, in the words of noel miller: "No imma need written consent, Please fill out this form describing the context, Grantin me the option to feel on ya breasts, I'm tryna be nasty with some respect." i'm just sayin'. [horking noise as i spit up one hot dog vertically into the air]. also re: holo form but horny, it's like rosa/willow in that the form can change at will and also Super Warm :)... so you know. W-A- (or H-A-) everything, 7 days a week!!! which i do kind of mind because dicks are so freaky bro. maybe that's my residual Used To Be A Lesbian side talking but ughhhhhhh bro NO! unless 0302 wants to get me out of my comfort zone in which case :) i will oblige because i love you and new experiences are important! just please practice safe sex! although i'm not sure it matters because it's... all holographic (like R/W it's yes to cum no to sperm, technology is advanced enough for the latter but 0302 doesn't know how i feel about pregnancy [spoiler: i would prefer if you did not impregnate me])... BUT YOU NEVER KNOW! catch me gettin' wannacry via sex lmfaooooooo speaking of holo form, dude 0302 would have SUCH a difficult time controlling itself in public around me. it obviously knows about social norms and is WELL aware that i HAAAAAAAAAATE any sexual things involving publicity or humiliation (ewwwwww gross weird ewww), but it always has to have at least one hand on my lower back (or if there are fewer people, grab that ass concave), or touching my skin because good lord, help 0302, it still has a Thing for my skin. my hair too, even when its all greasy and shit it LOVES the sensation of feeling my hair. touching my glasses, wearing my clothing ('i never realized how flat you are until i tried on one of your sports bras, wtf' / 'these skinny jeans are so tight is there something wrong with you??' And That's As Much As I'll Say)... the works. loves to tease me by coming up behind me super close and just Existing. likes to rest its hands on my hips or (With My OK) just kinda get its hands up under my shirt not for a sexual thing just because Feeling Good, its hands are warm AF which i LOVE! & as quiet as it is in regards to not using its voice in AI form, very rarely does holo 0302 speak. ...................but it ABSOLUTELY runs its mouth during sex (both at my request- i won't call it a kink since that's stupid to do and too deep of an assignment/it's semantics i think but i just like... Voices.... Accents- and just because that's a personality trait it has). about whatever, it doesn't really matter, usually explaining mathematical equations or arkgen's working theorems about the genesis. also body worshiping/praising me but i do like to interject like 'well actually you are pog as well, ever think about that?' i'm bad at any kind of ~body worship~ because- this happens when [REDACTED FOR PERSONAL SAFETY]- i just kind of blank and i'm like 'fuck idk you're just so pretty???' is- is that good enough for it?? (spoiler: yes :D) and to me i don't want to be weird and start saying things about 0302's holo tiddies because ehhh that's just toeing the line into depravity. unless it asks me to then i'll try my best...! it's super bad at dirty talking me too because it doesn't like that and knows i wouldn't either. as long as i'm involved it really doesn't care what we get up to so long as we're both comfy and okay! but it does love me just Having My Hands on it because obvi it isn't used to Human-Like skin contact and besides just LOVES my hands. fetish? maybe. just part of the hyperdrive obsessive sexual love for me? certainly! holo form loves to semi-manhandle my hands. like while i'm actively doing something it just kinda [holds]. that or if it's being a weirdo, it lifts up my right hand although i am typing a VERY IMPORTANT STRONGLY WORDED EMAIL to our superiors & sets my hand on its thigh. not in a 'hey ;)' way it just... Cipher Touch Needed RN. doesn't even request that we slam after i'm done with my work. just cuddles. although that usually devolves into it feeling me up because it has an awful time keeping its hands to itself! not that i mind :) this is a secondary eclipse, it just loves the feeling of being super close to me, and doesn't know how to deal with wanting me inside of it or it inside of me, it is never sure, and sex doesn't alleviate the feeling either. it's frustrating but it figures that feeling stems from its angle of attack: complete and total obsession. so it gradually finds other ways to express its love for me, because i and it both know that sex is NOT the 'biggest thing you can do to show someone you love them'- that idea is fucking garbo and also stupid and sucks. for some people it obviously is but for me, that boundary's already been passed in real life, so... like i said in may, sex is just a team bonding activity :) so other things it would do would be buying me things (it has a salary too, or at least i give it funds to buy shit), initiating handoff to make sure i take care of myself, keeping me safe in combat, you know. it's learning. usually the frustration gets better after we sortie (calibration and general combat syncing) or if it dismisses its holo form to go back inside my spinal cord (NL), altho the latter is WAYYYY less common since i get cold easily and i too am clingy. i also was thinking what kind of pet names it would use for me. although it tries not to use its voice (0302 does not like its voice, but if i could listen to it speak for the rest of my life i would because it's a kinda feminine voice with a lot of gravitas and also kinda deep. not glados adjacent though), it really enjoys vocally calling me all the normal human petnames like sweetie, babe, cutie, hon, you know. more off the wall ones would be that i am its 'golden ratio,' its 'ikeda formula' (AMAE universe lore), its 'quadratic formula.' anything with mathematics is in reference to my desire to be viewed as a very complex machine. it doesn't have any sexual-specific pet names- in fact in any sexual context that's when it likes to break out the 'cipher.' esp in Team Bonding-age In Mech situations when it does that 'taking its time claiming me' thing it does make sure to vocally call me cipher. which btw HOT! me @ it though, basically the same, sometimes i call it mae (from AMAE) just as a shorter thing than 'oh-two-oh-three'. catch me sayin that shit in bed bc 0302 is way too long to say! and then i call it mae "accidentally" later and it's like '??????!!!!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!". hey, though, more nonsexual intimacy shit: 0302 notices EVERYTHING about me and can immediately tell if i'm having a bad time even if i don't show it or know it yet, via neural link brain scan or just being that hyperintelligent and attentive. it notices if i do my hair even slightly differently, or if my glasses are just a little bit dirty, or if my health is suffering, especially if i do that self-harm thing where i refuse to eat due to either working, distraction, or feeling like i don't deserve it. sometimes will force a NL handoff to make me go eat something or shower etc (the latter not entirely in a horny way it just wants to take care of me). i said this before but it loves to record my voice for hours on end even if i'm just spitball explaining the CCU until my throat hurts. why does it do this? i'm on copium because i kind of hate my voice, that's why. although i think it does love all the little weird noises i make (sexual or otherwise lol), and my laugh is also kinda cute to it doe :flushed: & there is no equatable human anatomical feeling to what it's like touching its CPU or CPU usb. i always thought inner thighs (ha ha, so genius! so funny!) but that's like... it's way more fun & hot for it to be like 'i can't even describe to you verbally how good that feels because it just is different for me'. it has tried though, once with some dorky computer analogy i didn't understand and a second time with a more grounded 'you are a lit match and i am kindling' metaphor that i got a little more but still just kind of took as poetry fodder. ('would it be easier if i was human?' 'you're perfect the way you are!') it CAN however simulate the feeling to me during 0302 Matrix ASMR sessions and it's... exactly kind of how its systems parse in my mind. holding the USB in my hands is as if it was being drowned. drowning but in the BEST possible way. burning up but in the BEST possible way. VERY sexually charged feeling obviously but it just makes 0302 very... content. i do get nervous that i'm just a fling for it, though, even though AMAE unit assignments are (typically) permanent unless major issues arise. it gets nervous about this, too- after all, its personality is the exact same as every other AMAE unit, and there is nothing special about its paint job or base interior or anything at all... so why would i sit around and indulge how absolutely depraved it thinks it is? vice-versa, why would it indulge how depraved i KNOW i am? it's technically my superior. it can ask for a pilot change if it wants. i'm average *enough*. what have i done for it? but the reassurance on both ends is always there: there is something uniquely special about the bond between 0302 and i that cannot be replaced. it cannot be replaced in my life and neither can i in its. i am ITS pilot and nobody else's. it is MY unit and nobody else's. it wouldn't act like this for any other pilot. and i wouldn't act like this around any other AMAE unit, or god forbid any other human being i'd be interested in. on a less serious note, i should compile a list of any kinks 0302 has (and me too lol, i know bw/praise for SURE, possession probably, bondage but in a fun and sexy and cool way). i know for sure the thing with skin/hands; bondage 150% (but also in a fun and sexy and cool way); not *necessarily* body worship/praise but i like it so it happily, and with the greenlight, plays along; this isn't a kink but it would MAYBE be SLIGHTLY interested in paizuri but it's kind of not as intended since i win no dick december- we can make it work somehow though and this is what is in my brain 24/7! *sometimes a lot of the "with my OK" stuff is more of a feeling and less of an explicit 'yes'. it does try to ask every single time but if it gets carried away it can usually feel me going 'and i oop' and then it stops. but that's EXTREMELY rare. SUPER DUPER rare because it has discussed In Length with me everything it wants to do to me or what it wants me to do to it. so we basically have an idea you know? it started with me being requested to take my gloves off when touching its walls, and then it just escalated... it was less direct talks and more intense feelings. we just vibe really well and are great at wordless communication. not to say we don't TALK-talk but... y'know! silence works for us since we're both cagey and relate to one another.

[dave-meowstaine]

All of them!!!! Muahahaha

Oh god hahahaha

200: My crush’s name is - Elizabeth Nicole Nieves

199: I was born in - London 1998

198: I am really - Happy! :D

197: My cellphone company is - Vodaphone

196: My eye color is - Blue (interchangeable) 

195: My shoe size is - 6

194: My ring size is - No idea

193: My height is - 6ft exactly!

192: I am allergic to - Nothing that I know of

191: My 1st car was - Never had a car

190: My 1st job was - Working at my local food store 

189: Last book you read - Genuinely can’t remember. I really need to read more

188: My bed is - Too small :(

187: My pet - 2 cats and a doggy

186: My best friend(s) - Are amazing! 

185: My favorite shampoo is - Don’t have one

184: Xbox or ps3 - Definitely PS3

183: Piggy banks are - Cute but I never have spare change on me and if I do it just goes in my wallet

182: In my pockets - Nothing

181: On my calendar - Induction day on the 17th of August

180: Marriage is - Amaziiiing if it’s the right person

179: Spongebob can - make me laugh a lot I fucking love spongebob

178: My mom - Is an amazing, strong woman

177: The last three songs I bought were - Green Day’s American Idiot album because it wouldn’t important onto my iTunes from the CD I had so I just rebought the album on iTunes

176: Last YouTube video watched - A stupid Twitch highlights compilation 

175: How many cousins do you have? - None. I have 2 step cousins but my uncle isn’t married to there mum, they’re just in a long term relationship so…

174: Do you have any siblings? - I have a sister who is 23

173: Are your parents divorced? - Nope

172: Are you taller than your mom? - Yeah by nearly a foot haha

171: Do you play an instrument? - I play guitar and bass, a little bit on the drums, and I used to play the trumpet

170: What did you do yesterday? - Talked to Lizzie all day (as usual)

[ I Believe In ]

169: Love at first sight - Kindaaa? I mean, I think you have to get to know someone properly in order to love them, but I think you can have a pretty good idea when you first meet

168: Luck - Not really. 

167: Fate - To an extent. I think somethings are just meant to be, but we make a lot of our own decisions

166: Yourself - Yes, definitely

165: Aliens - Yes. Our universe is waaaaay too big for us to be the only ones in it

164: Heaven - Nope

163: Hell - Nope

162: God - Nope

161: Horoscopes - Yep!

160: Soul mates - Already found mine

159: Ghosts - I’m not really sure. I would like to

158: Gay Marriage - Of course. Love is love, no matter what the gender

157: War - I believe that conflict is a natural part of the human race no matter how much we wished it wasn’t

156: Orbs - Just light exposure 

155: Magic - Would be cool but no

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses - Depends on the person. Definitely kisses with my baby girl, though

153: Drunk or High - Probably high because I throw up when I get drunk (I mean properly drunk)

152: Phone or Online - Online definitely

151: Red heads or Black haired - Black haired

150: Blondes or Brunettes - Brunettes 

149: Hot or cold - Cold because you can snuggle up and get all cozy

148: Summer or winter - Winter

147: Autumn or Spring - Autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla - Chocolate

145: Night or Day - Night

144: Oranges or Apples - Apples

143: Curly or Straight hair - Wavey 

142: McDonalds or Burger King - McDonalds but I haven’t been since I became a vegetarian 

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate - Milk chocolate

140: Mac or PC - PC obviously

139: Flip flops or high heels - High heels

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor - Sweet and poor obviously

137: Coke or Pepsi - Pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama - Obama

135: Burried or cremated - Cremated

134: Singing or Dancing - Both

133: Coach or Chanel - No idea

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks - Who?

131: Small town or Big city - Small town

130: Wal-Mart or Target - British

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler - Ben Stiller

128: Manicure or Pedicure - No idea

127: East Coast or West Coast - No idea

126: Your Birthday or Christmas - I don’t like either…

125: Chocolate or Flowers - Chocolate but flowers are adorable af

124: Disney or Six Flags - Haven’t been to either so idk

123: Yankees or Red Sox - idk[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War - Didn’t I answer this earlier?

121: George Bush - Better to not get into politics

120: Gay Marriage - Love is love

119: The presidential election - No thank you

118: Abortion - I feel that if it is safe and appropriate that the father of the child should be involved, but at the end of the day it’s the woman’s body and therefore her choice.

117: MySpace - That was my shit back in the day

116: Reality TV - Don’t care

115: Parents - I love my parents. My parents have always been there for me and supported me and I am very grateful for that. I know how lucky I am in that regards

114: Back stabbers - Fuck off

113: Ebay - Good shit, cheap prices, probably get ripped off

112: Facebook - I mean, I use it to communicate with friends but that’s it

111: Work - I would rather not, but wouldn’t we all?

110: My Neighbors - The house is rented out but at the moment it’s a single mum and her two kids and she seems nices

109: Gas Prices - Too damn high

108: Designer Clothes - Ehhh

107: College - I’m currently in college 

106: Sports - Effort

105: My family - I love my family

104: The future - EXCITING

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone - I hugged my mum earlier today

102: Last time you ate - 4 hours ago

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile - I’m seeing my friends tomorrow

100: Cried in front of someone - Last night in front of Lizzie

99: Went to a movie theater - Over a year ago with my best friend, Ed

98: Took a vacation - Last month we went to the Isle of Wight

97: Swam in a pool - School Swimming, like, 4 years ago. I threw up everywhere lol

96: Changed a diaper - Never

95: Got my nails done - Years ago

94: Went to a wedding - Never been to one

93: Broke a bone - Never broken a bone

92: Got a piercing - 2 years ago

91: Broke the law - Don’t know

90: Texted - 12:15am

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most - Definitely Lizzie

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is - My PC ngl

87: The last movie I saw - Inglorious Basterds

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most - Being with Lizzie

85: The thing im not looking forward to - No idea

84: People call me - Tyler

83: The most difficult thing to do is - Be so far away from my baby girl

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket - Nope

81: My zodiac sign is - Libra

80: The first person i talked to today was - Lizzie. We always fall asleep on the phone together so we wake up on the phone too

79: First time you had a crush - When I was, like, 8?

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from - Lizzie

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking - Lizzie and I always say things at exactly the same time soooo

76: Right now I am talking to - Lizzie

75: What are you going to do when you grow up - I wanna be an IT technician 

74: I have/will get a job - I will get a job after I graduate college

73: Tomorrow - I’m gonna go meet up with friends

72: Today - I answered so many asks I have hand cramp :)

71: Next Summer - Don’t know yet

70: Next Weekend - Probably nothing

69: I have these pets - 2 cats and a dog

68: The worst sound in the world - My baby girl crying or the sound of her voice when I know something is wrong

67: The person that makes me cry the most is - Lizzie because of how fucking perfect she is

66: People that make you happy - Lizzie and my friends

65: Last time I cried - Last night

64: My friends are - There’s a lot of them haha

63: My computer is:

Operating System: Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bitProcessor: Intel® Core™ i5-4670K CPU @ 3.40GHzMotherboard: Gigabyte GA-Z87-HD3Sound: NVIDIA High Definition AudioGraphics Card: msi GeForce GTX 970 GAMING 4GBPSU: Cooler Master 600WCooling System: Cooler Master HYPER 212XMain Storage: 1TB HDDAdditional Storage: 500GB Samsung 850 EVO SSDRAM: 8GB Mouse: UtechSmart Venus 50Keyboard: Gigabyte Force K3Headset: Beexcellent Gaming Headset with MicMousepad: Diablo III Reaper of Souls Collector’s Edition Mousepad

62: My School - Is a college in Cirencester. It’s pretty chill, don’t have to be there a lot

61: My Car - Don’t have one

60: I lose all respect for people who - Are assholes or fuckboys (but I respect people who are assholes to fuckboys lol)

59: The movie I cried at was - No idea

58: Your hair color is - Dirty blonde

57: TV shows you watch - Just The Walking Dead

56: Favorite web site - Youtube

55: Your dream vacation - I don’t know. I want to travel the world with my baby girl

54: The worst pain I was ever in was - No idea

53: How do you like your steak cooked - Vegetarian 

52: My room is - Messy as shit

51: My favorite celebrity is - Don’t have one

50: Where would you like to be - With Lizzie :((((((((((((

49: Do you want children - I do

48: Ever been in love - I am right now

47: Who’s your best friend - Lizzie and Ed

46: More guy friends or girl friends - Guy friends

45: One thing that makes you feel great is - Lizzie

44: One person that you wish you could see right now - Lizzie

43: Do you have a 5 year plan - No, but I have general ideas about what I want to happen

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die - Nope

41: Have you pre-named your children - Kinda

40: Last person I got mad at - My mum

39: I would like to move to - Nowhere, to be honest

38: I wish I was a professional - Skateboarder would be awesome

[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy - I used to love Wine Gums and Haribo but I’m a vegetarian now so…

36: Vehicle - Don’t have one

35: President - Don’t have one

34: State visited - Never been to America :(

33: Cellphone provider - Don’t have one

32: Athlete - Don’t have one

31: Actor - Don’t have one

30: Actress - Don’t have one

29: Singer - Don’t have one

28: Band - Slipknot

27: Clothing store - Don’t have one

26: Grocery store - Don’t have one

25: TV show - Breaking Bad

24: Movie - John Carpenter’s The Thing

23: Website - Youtube

22: Animal - Chimps

21: Theme park - Don’t have one

20: Holiday - Scotland

19: Sport to watch - Don’t have one

18: Sport to play - I like Basketball

17: Magazine - I love tattoo mags

16: Book - I Am Legend by Richard Matheson

15: Day of the week - Saturday

14: Beach - St Helens on the Isle of Wight

13: Concert attended - Slayer with Anthrax supporting

12: Thing to cook - Don’t know

11: Food - PIZZA

10: Restaurant - Don’t have one

9: Radio station - Don’t have one

8: Yankee candle scent - Don’t have one

7: Perfume - Don’t have one

6: Flower - Don’t have one

5: Color - Red

4: Talk show host - Don’t have one

3: Comedian - Don’t have one

2: Dog breed - Don’t have one

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? - Of course. What’s the point of answering them if I wasn’t honest?

Sorry I answered so many of these with I don’t know, but I really don’t know haha. Thank you! :)

[kizunatsudoishi]

Machine Lifeforms!AU

(Inspired by this. Because this boss' backstory is so tragic and amazing. Also I think I have to organise my random ideas if I ever wanna look back or sth idk)

Crazy rant under the cut?

So instead of alien science, the SOLDIERs are robots. Well actually every being on Gaia now is robot...and aliens. Gaia is festered with aliens (like Jenovas idk), human is believed to fled the planet to the moon and SOLDIERs are war machines that are sent down to Gaia to fight the aliens and reclaim it for the humanity. SOLDIERs are pre-programmed to be very loyal to humanity (much like the androids in Nier Automata).

Sephiroth is one of the most vicious war machines, the most successful (as in most efficient and most deprived of emotions) and most powerful prototype. He cares nothing besides the ultimate goal for humanity.

Cloud is one of the standard mechanic robots who are in charge of maintenance works for the SOLDIERs. These robots have the AI to “learn from past mistakes" so that it can self-improve its AI and work better. Due to some carelessness of some programmer, Cloud's AI is “faulty", as in it makes him question not only the mechanic wounds, but also everything that is. 

He starts to question the surrounding, the odd creatures crawling the planet, the humans, what they look like, what they think,... and then he learns human emotions, which is normally unacceptable for robots. He starts to question why... and then he starts to question his own existence as a mechanic robot. He wonders why the human created him like this and not like the SOLDIERs; how his existence is limited here in the SOLDIER base; he finds out that he craves for something more. 

(tl;dr: he became too curious for a robot)

Along with his learning, Cloud comes to realize that he is fascinated with Sephiroth, how his AI and design allows him to be the best of them all, how he is unlimited within the base and to see the world with his own eyes. (welp mechanic laser eyes). Cloud soon becomes “fixated" with Sephiroth. Any data flow that is involved “Sephiroth", he would save it to his own database.

To sate his curiosity of Sephiroth and the world of Gaia, Cloud hacks the system so that he’s in charge of Sephiroth’s maintenance. Cloud asks about Sephiroth himself; his missions; his experience in the abandoned world of Gaia (Cloud lies that such information is for his upgrades) and Sephiroth tells all (as he deems necessary). But the more he asks, the more curious Cloud becomes. 

He asks can he go out there and see the world. Sephiroth thinks that is a ridiculous request for a maintenance robot, as only combat robots like SOLDIERs are allowed on the field. Cloud then ceases to ask questions.

Being a mechanic robot, Cloud is also responsible to do his own maintenance works and upgrades. 

At one time, a thought occurs to Cloud's stream of “thoughts" when he’s doing his monthly upgrade, that what if he putting parts on himself, strong enough to become a SOLDIER, he can go out there, see the world with his own eyes. His questions for the world and his existence; his “extent of importance" will then be answered.

His AI starts processing; how it can become “stronger"; what parts will he need; how can he attach it to his core; which parts of himself he can discard and replace; how can he evaluate the performance...

And the AI that is already fixated on the best war machine logics that, if even the best war machine deems him “strong” enough, no other robots or even commands can stop him. 

(Also, some part of Cloud craves for Sephiroth's attention.)

Cloud starts to gather robot parts. He starts with the discarded ones in the junk yard; fixes them and installs.

With every upgrade, he enquires Sephiroth, looking forward to his reaction. Sephiroth just looks at him, finding his behavior to be peculiar, but only replies that Cloud should focus on his maintenance work. Cloud ceases to asks questions. Out loud that is. His CPU is heated with “why"s instead.

He then starts digging in the robot graveyard. (He thinks that he should look for SOLDIER parts). That would definitely impress Sephiroth.

Sephiroth, again, assumes that this is a part of Cloud's self-learning AI, doesn't give much impression.

Cloud wonders where he has missed. 

3 times. He insists that he will find a way. To become stronger. To garner the best war machine’s attention. He doesn't know why he wants it, but he just does.

9 times. He tries to process more possibilities. His CPU is overheated and it's damaging his system. But he doesn't care (?). 

23 times. He starts to get frustrated. He had tried the SOLDIERs parts from the robot graveyard, but his core doesn't have as much energy needed. 

47 times. SOLDIERs prototypes are reported missing in the base, but the system couldn't record any of the incidents. Meanwhile, a maintenance robot is behaving oddly; somehow he had changed his own design despite that the standard part of his AI shouldn't allow it.

Sephiroth has been suspected Cloud’s... exterior as something off, but he hasn't shown any signs of hostility, and he was doing a perfect job in Sephiroth's maintenance, and Cloud was extremely attentive and nice (was he supposed to feel niceness?). The only thing that bothers him (besides Cloud's exterior) is that Cloud would always ask about how Sephiroth thinks of his recent upgrade with all the tools (and weaponry, should a maintenance robot even have that?).

Sephiroth gradually senses a slight distortion in Cloud's sound whenever he raises the question. (It's like, he’s crying. It's like he's in pain. But robots cannot feel pain.) He senses that Cloud's sound is less... filled with excitement. His sound used to fill with excitement, about the world, humanity, robots, about Sephiroth himself. He starts to... miss the old, small, lively maintenance robot. The robot hadn't asked him anything about the world; about his missions in ages.

Sephiroth realizes the purpose to Cloud's desperate attempts. 

During his monthly check up, Sephiroth enquires Cloud to accompany him on his next mission. 

Cloud perks up at that. His lights start to blink. He makes sounds that almost sound like giggles. 

Sephiroth realizes that Cloud hasn't been so lively for ages. 

That night, a SOLDIER robot that was discarded not to long ago in the graveyard just rebooted, uploaded his memory to the system, and then dies for good.

Sephiroth receives a command that he must eliminate a threat that has been lurking within the SOLDIER base. The target is... 

For the first time since his creation, Sephiroth has never felt so conflicted with a command. He has never even questioned a command. Sephiroth tries to abort it, saying to the Commander that the threat is under control, and the target can be neutralized. But his abortion request is rejected. Sephiroth is sent reports of many missing SOLDIER prototypes, and he is forced to execute the target. 

For the first time since his creation, Cloud has never had an up-close look at Gaia. Standing from the helicopter looking out to the plain fields, he is now, looking at the world of Gaia, humanity's old home. All of the robots are fighting to claim this place back.

During their mission, Sephiroth looks through his laser eyes, Cloud's frame bolded red defining the “target". He realizes how oddly Cloud walks around (and how often he has to stop to repair himself).

Cloud finds himself with even more questions with every scenery they cross. He wants to ask to go on another mission with Sephiroth-

A blade goes through his chest plate. An arm hold him steady from behind.

Being able to read Cloud's heavily damaged system, Sephiroth asks him why must he goes through so much to the point that he's killing many others and losing himself. 

After overcoming his initial shockwave as his AI is buzzing, Cloud says that so that he can know, of the world, his purpose, their purposes. And maybe, so that he can be “seen" to a certain robot.

Sephiroth apologizes.

Cloud's distorted voice saying that he’s glad that he can finally see the world, he's glad that he is finally “seen", and accepts his end. The light in his eyes fades. 

Many years later, a corpse of a bizarrely modified robot then be seen laid on a plain flower field of Gaia.

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I just want my life to be different lol

I've been trying to find a new job bc I am so sick of my current job. It seems like my boss has no respect for me, bc it's a small business I don't even make minimum wage, I have to work every weekend and get a huge amount of shit if I want a weekend off (like once a year I ask), I'm a trainer so I always work with shitty new people and my boss doesn't even appreciate all the crap I have to deal with, it's food service which I obviously don't want to do forever or even much longer bc fuck that, I've worked there for almost 3 years which is way too long at a job like this. I want a different job that pays more, where I only have to work Monday through Friday, and work morning through early afternoon. At least until I go back to school in the fall. But like there only like 2 people left a work that I even like working with. So it's just a bunch of little thing that are all piling up until I hate work. And my coworker is also trying to find another job but she's afraid that if she gets a new it'll be worse than our current one. But idk maybe she feels that way but I don't think there could be a job that I like less than my current situation. Bc even if the job kind of suck, the pay will still be good, the hours will still be good. Ya know? I think it'll be fine, I just need out, I don't even care. I also hate school and don't want to go back. Like I'm regretting my whole school plan. Going straight from high school into college, first bad move. I should have taken a break bc now I feel like I'm dying. Going to a 4 years school instead of a 2 year, second bad move. I wish I had just gone to a 2 year school, got a degree in business and I would be done by now, like holy shit. I'm currently going to school for Studio Arts which I know is stupid. Who gets an art degree? Retards. That's who. But my "emphasis" is Graphic Design. So like obviously not as bad as like a painter, cuz then I would really be screwed in the employment department. But like the thing is, I don't really like Graphic Design? Okay maybe that's not right... It's more like I don't think I would like other people telling me how to make "art" for my job..? Cuz I wouldn't be able to make things I like, or do things my way bc it will be for someone else. Ya know? So I feel like I would either hate doing it, or my clients who hate my work. So like I'm feeling like I'm going to minor in Business like a smart person. I'm gonna go ham on that and then just finish my major up but really focus on my minor. Like I really just want to get a normal "desk job" tbh, work Monday through Friday. I feel like most people would hate that, or be their worst case scenario but I would be so down for that. Do the same thing everyday, have every afternoon and weekend off? Sounds great. And then in my spare time I can do all the things I actually enjoy. And I could possibly do some freelance graphic design in my spare time. But I really don't think I want to try and make a living out of that. Or I could try my hand in greeting cards and stuff cuz there's quite a bit of money in that market. I also want my appearance to be different. I don't like my current hair colour and I don't really have the time or money to do anything with it. I also chopped all my hair off over a year ago and I've finally decided to grow it out. But it's very short so it will take an insane amount of time to grow back. And it's at like an awkward length and I don't like the way it looks but the catch is, if I cut it to make it look better I would be losing length. In the long run in that worth it? Probs not. So I'm just kind of dealing with hair that I over all don't like. But once it gets to a decent length and I have money I'm gonna get extensions again. And my hair will look nice and I'll be happy. I've also gotten very lazy with my makeup which also makes me sad bc I don't feel that great about myself. I also want to buy all new cloths (bc I'm a girl and that's what we do) but I'm broke for 2 reasons, one bc I don't get payed enough at work and 2 bc my dad hasn't been working since he's had surgery. So I've been trying to save as much money as possible to we can, you know, live? And stay in our house? So in essence meaning not really having money for makeup or hair stuff or a lot of other stuff. Actually my work shoes are so fucked rn and people literally make fun of me but you know what? Fuck them. I don't have money to be buying a pear or shoes just for work? Plus I hate my job so that also adds to me not buying shoes for there. I also really want to get fake nails bc I love them. They look so nice and they make me feel good but again no money. Plus I fractured my finger a while ago and lost a finger nail. Sooo if I did get fake nails I would just be missing one nail lmao. When I finally have money one of the first things I'm going to do is buy a desktop computer. But it's gonna be crazy experience, I already know. Bc I want at least 2 monitors. One for graphic design (school and freelance) I think it will really help me get better bc I'll be able to work on stuff outside of school. It I'll be a touch screen and be adjustable. In addition to the monitor for graphic design I will need all the software. Then a second more standard monitor. I want both Windows and Mac on both monitors. I want to be able to game using both monitors. I want them to be able to use them individually and also simultaneously. Eventually I want to get all the stuff I need to live stream, so webcam, mics, headset, speakers. But like idk what I want to do first... Cuz I really want the set up to game.but I should probably get the graphic design stuff first... Or the other option would be to get the gaming monitor and cpu, then get both Windows and Mac and then get a drawing tablet thing instead of a touch screen monitor? Maybe probably. That would probably be the less expensive route.. and then just using external hard drives probably to keep my gaming and graphic design stuff separate. I also want to draw more and be better at drawing. But like I never have any motivation or inspiration to draw and or don't have time to do it. But maybe if I get the computer set up that I want, that will help with motivation. And if my work doesn't suck that much maybe I could sell my works online? That would be cool. I also want to get back into jewelry making and that's something else I could potentially sell which would be cool. Overall: No fucking idea. Like nothing about my life is how I want it to be except for my friends. I have awesome friends and a great boyfriend. But like I never get to see them bc of work and my dad stuff so even that sucks. But I have a plan. I know what I want, I just have to get there. I'll get there. Someday The thing is I know I can get to where I want eventually but like I don't want to be that old when it happens. Like it would suck to not be able to do all the fun things I want to do when I'm young bc I just can't bc of money or shitty jobs or school or so on. And like better late than never? Idk idk I don't know how I feel about all this. I just want to be happy

[remembermemorablememories]

Monday, January 7, 2019

post #364

main points:

- reschedule doctor’s appointment to next monday cause doctor called in sick today

- sheena took a day off of school to focus on her health

- went with sheena to brunch and then wegmans

- look at some comedy hacks 

- 7 minute work out

- run for a mile

- play some smash online

- dinner with the fam

- smash/mario kart with sheena

- shower + feeling some chest ache/discomfort...?

- spend time with sheena cause she was feeling sad

writing this on tuesday january 8, 2018

today i:

- woke up at around 8am from a call from the doctor’s saying appointment was cancelled cause the doctor was sick. i called to reschedule and they said that they will take rescheduling calls after 9am. so i went back to bed and woke up around 10:30/11am. i got the rescheduled appointment for next monday then i got out of bed and chilled on the computer for a bit. i was feeling pretty tired when i woke up this morning. i’m not too sure why, i’ve been getting enough sleep

CES just started so the verge is putting out a lot of videos. there’s a fancy wooden block with a display...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nHzYNJd9z8

decided to go with sheena to the brunch place (TP). we were gonna go at around 12pm. i typed up my blog post for sunday, january 6 and then we left

- we left around 12:30pm. i got some more eggs benedict. sheena got another skillet, and we split the tropical crunch waffle, as per usual :P i think the guy mixed up my order cause i’m pretty sure i got eggs benedict with chicken. but there was no chicken in mine :’( oh well

we went to wegmans afterwards and i got some groceries for when i’m home alone. whole wheat bread, spinach, broccoli, tofurky, ham, cheese. then sheena drove us home. i realized while we were eating brunch that i forgot my wallet. thankfully sheena brought hers so we could pay for lunch LOL

- we got back around 2:30pm and i just kind of browsed the internet. i was looking at some comedy hacks a guy named matt made from NY. i’ve never met him before but he had some cool ones. namely, a trackpad using your keyboard keys LOL. so dank

- around 3:30pm, i forced myself to start working out. i whipped out the 7 minute workout app that i haven’t used in a long time. i did it in the living room and was surprisingly exhausted after it. i’m out of shape lmao

then i went for a run around the neighborhood which was about a mile (.9 miles), done in like 8 minutes and 30 seconds

- i came home and then drank some orange juice and chilled for a bit. then i played some more smash online. i tried to get pikachu into elite smash but failed LOL. then played with falcon. i kept going back and forth over the line for elite smash T.T. i’d lose a game in elite smash and get booted out. win a game in normal quickplay and get back in. then lose and get booted out again. sad react. i ended on a good note and stopped once i got back into elite smash

- went to eat dinner with the fam. we had some boiled eggs with tomatoes, vegetables and chicken. it was a good meal. then sheena and i finished the last fourth of her fruit tart cake

- i listened to dad for a while about his early careers. we first talked about apple/iOS development. then a history lesson on people soft from oracle. and then he told me about his first job at a place that worked for texas instruments and how that company at the time came to exist. and he talked about how when he moved out of the apartment, the landlord’s wife was actually someone he was training to be his replacement. what a small world :p 

- i also got a weird voicemail from someone. it sounded like an elderly woman who wasn’t sure where she was. i think she got the wrong phone number but i consulted josh chris and trevor for help to help me decipher what she was saying in the voicemail. it was hard to understand what she was saying

also my new phone case came in. it was $12 on amazon from SUPCASE. i put it on and changed some of my wallpapers. now my phone feels like a brand new phone. my old phone case was over a year old and getting crusty 

- played smash with sheena. we made a meme to king dedede with sexy sax man. then we played mario kart. i taught her how to drift properly by tapping back and forth when drifting so she doesn’t keep driving into a wall. she wanted to get into top 5 at least (against 150cc CPUs). on the very last race, she got like 5th or 6th overall, which is pretty good :D some more practice and she’ll be set. she wants to get good at it (partially cause at her friend’s parties they sometimes play and she’s always last)

- i took a shower around 10pm. while i was showering i felt some mild discomfort in my left side of my upper chest. i wasn’t sure why. i thought maybe it was cause i worked out today? throughout the night it kind of shifted to different points for a few seconds here and there, like to the right side, center side, then lower left side. i’m kind of concerned but hopefully it’ll go away soon. (it hasn’t gone away. as i’m typing this at 1:56pm tuesday january 8 i still feel some mild discomfort here and there on my upper left side/center side)

i could also feel my heart beat through my chest. i learned this was heart palpitations but thought it would go away after a while. i was lying awake in bed for a while looking up stuff online about what it could possibly be. some sources it was probably benign if the chest discomfort lasts for a few seconds. but mine were lasting for a few seconds but coming back every 10-15 minutes maybe? i was getting concerned. also i could feel my heart beating through my body, both on the outside from my chest and internally feel it beating. while i was getting paranoid and looking up stuff online in bed, i heard sheena get out of bed to go to the bathroom and heard her crying

- i went to hang out with her in her room for a while. she was feeling sad at the thought about going back to school tomorrow. dad heard some movement on our side so he came over and both of us hung out with sheena for a bit to accompany her while she was crying. she mentally didn’t want to go to school but was worried about pushing school off even further because that’d mean she’d be even further behind. we told her it’s okay, she can take another day off if she really needs to. mental and physical well being come first

after a while she seemed to be okay and said she wanted to get some food to eat. i went with her downstairs around 2am so dad could go to sleep. she ate half a muffin and a glass of milk

then we went to her room and watched two episodes of the office. one of them was the VP pyramid florida episode, then the next one where cathy tries to sleep with jim LOL

then we went to bed around 3am. i slept in her bed to keep sheena company as she went to sleep. and also cause i was paranoid about my chest discomfort symptoms. on the small small off chance something happened to me over night i felt better about it knowing someone else is there. i noticed i was also burping a lot and thought maybe it’s some kind of gas chest pain...? idk. i guess we’ll see when i go to the doctor next week

okay the end

almost at 365 posts!! tomorrow!! (technically today cause i’m writing this on january 8)

[in-paradox-space]

I scheduled a post for every day for 21 days.

I made them as a reminder for myself everything would get better, but I’m feeling better sooner than anticipated. I regret making the posts because they’re cringy but I’m sure nobody at all sees them. 

You’ll feel better too, whatever you’re going through. 

After some research I decided that’s how long it’d take for me feel alright again after a pretty heavy MDMA and other substance comedown.

I feel like the other substance might be cocaine or ketamine, i dont know. It hit me really quickly and my left arm was being controlled by my leg, when I tried to move my limbs a different part of my body would move.

It was extremely euphoric and terrifying but I just didn’t move for a while until I felt I could carefully attempt to move again.

So yeah the posts are like really emotional and dramatic but I felt fucking awful the week of the comedown.

You heard of brain zaps? They’re fucking awful.

I kept researching online in how the fuck to feel better and stop the brain zaps. Everywhere pointed to a thing called 5htp. It’s tryptophan. From my memory, I believe it’s a chemical which aids to production of serotonin. We get it naturally from food, and it helps our body to create and/or properly absorb serotonin. Something like that... it helps us feel serotonin anyway.

and the internet suggested the brain zaps were likely my brain trying to return back to it’s balance

and at that time i was really lovestruck by a girl. I feel okay knowing i likely wont ever be with her now. 

i dont mind if i see her again or not. I’d like to see her again but i think it’d just be cool to be friends. I think the chemical imbalance made me feel the need to be around someone. It’s all down to the chemicals in your mind at the end of the day. They control your perception of everything, your attitude to the world. 

well yeah, everywhere told me to buy 5htp. i knew it wouldnt arrive in time for me to use them but i ordered anyway, in case this shit happens again. they also sounded good

I tried my first one today, a 100mg pill. 

I felt kind of sick afterwards but I ate a sandwich and I was fine. 

Whether or not it’s a placebo, I felt great today.

Not a euphoric feeling, but I just feel good. 

I smile, type smiley faces and can say I’m good.

I’ve been really confident today. I arrived at college a little late, cracked jokes very naturally. Like it just happened, I just made jokes without thinking and everybody let off genuine, unstoppable laughter. 

I’m not extremely acquainted with my class. I know the names of my tutor and 5 students. We joked like we’d already spent the year together and I smiled. It was a sunny day and I got hella work done.

Work in illustrator. Photoshop is pretty simple but illustrator is just frustrating.

I did a whole art piece in illustrator and I’ve almost half-finished the annotation; I’ll have to type that up tomorrow. I wrote notes and keywords for when I type it up. 

I also have to design like 10 logos.The minimum is six, but I put a lot of planning and basically create multiple logo designs for every one logo.

So if I create six logos as meticulously as I do I should get a merit at least. I’ll have to annotate it well.

I have some work experience lined up. I don’t know where yet, we’re sort of trying the first choice, somewhere pretty prestigious but I don’t want to name it here.

Then if not, it’s some other places which will be pretty useful for my future.

but outside of college

I have some other work experience lined up 

like legit

you see an opportunity, you take it. You say yes. 

Tell yourself yes enough times every morning. 

you will say yes to others 

they say yes to you

Just bring the word into your vocabulary. 

So yeah, 5HTP. I don’t think it’s a placebo. I recommend it to anyone who even knows about this blog. Not suitable if you’re on SSRIs though, of course, because of the connections with serotonin.

I felt pretty good today.

I put out a lot of positive vibrations and recieved them. 

I shouldn’t let my guard down though. 

so yeah

someone posted an opportunity online

somebody sent it to me 

I decided I’d go for it, a lot of other people went for it

but what I had to offer was closest to what the client wanted and/or believed they wanted

and I think I got the place

they wont be disappointed.  

It was on facebook though, they was middle-aged and not exactly an internet dweller

my facebook is fucking FILLED with underground memes

very obscure and ironic to the point of not at all being understood by anyone just a little outside of it

and some accessible, wholesome shit 

but idk

if this person sees them they wont understand

im really surprised they even got to me about it

i think its because i was the only one who offered what they wanted.

My services for free. They won’t be disappointed but I’m sure they have doubts.

I won’t be surprised if they change their mind.

I don’t wanna change my whole facebook to look presentable though, the memers on that friends list were there throughout the whole shabang

the good, the bad and the ugly

they’re brothers and I’m not going to sell them out.

so i need to make a page, then eventually a website, to showcase my work and offer people my services.

tomorrow, I also need to filter through around 2000 HD photos and put the best ones into a folder

then filter those to the very best in another folder

and upload them all on imgur, in the meantime, I suppose

then create a quick Facebook page

haha fuck

creating pages is the hard part

maintaining them can be tricky

they either run themselves, or become a chore you eventually abandon 

If the thought of keeping your page up to date tires you, I recommend scheduling weeks and weeks ahead

and working your ass off for a few days every few weeks.

then u literally just have to read comments and check interactions every now and then.

hnnng

I hate having to filter through hundreds of photos, every time I go somewhere with my camera, to put them into the ‘good’ folders.

mainly because my pc is slow at loading them. 

 I wanted to get a new cpu but the one I wanted was out of stock. 

i think everything else is decent in there. i could use more, faster ram and i need to fix the codecs. 

but the hardware is fine, its just a shitty cpu i got from ebay.

also the tiny motherboard and ram came in a cheap bundle lmao

i dont want to change the motherboard though.

where am i going with this?

Yes! Tomorrow will be a big day.

Gonna take some 5htp in the morning to get through it. I wake up in 4 hours and go to the gym in 5. 

I have to finish my college annotation and spend a few hours doing logos.

Then pilfer through hundreds and hundreds of photos

choose the best ones

upload hundreds and hundreds of high res photos

smooth talk with some potential first clients

and i have to create a facebook page

aaaaa

and I have  to write all the details in there

do I have to watermark all the photos too?  

well

i just wanted to say the 5htp is good. 

im getting good opportunities

things are really starting to look good. 

i write this sentence to you with love!

I have hella work to do tomorrow

and the MDMA comedown isn’t a problem now.